Relationship cycles are often misunderstood when we assign blame.
One important cycle is the Relationship Cycle of Aggression and (sometimes) Violence - the cycle of fighting..
The cycle of fighting (or connection/disconnection) in a relationship can be described as having 3 parts. The entire cycle may happen in one day or it may take weeks or months. It may be intense or subtle.
Divorce Doesn't Mean Change
Most people with children think they're "ending things" when they get divorced. In many cases, all they're doing is continuing to act out the unconscious dynamics that didn't work in marriage. When divorce comes, they invest renewed energy in the same old unconscious struggles. The only "change" is that they're doing it in the new arena of the divorcing process, and then again in the new arena of the new post-divorce configuration of their (fundamentally unchanged) relationship. Same destructive unconscious patterns and struggles. New setting.
On the other hand, some people use divorce or the possibility of divorce as an opportunity to learn about themselves, re-think all of their previously unchallenged assumptions, and make real changes. This is an easy thing to say, and a very difficult thing to do. As Tomas Szasz said, "Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence." A really useful professional will create the opportunity for this kind of real personal change in the divorce process, which includes the threshold decision of whether to divorce or not.
Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result." Changing your understanding of your own reactions and the relationship dynamics is key to avoiding doing the same thing over and over, whether you stay married, get divorced or have been divorced for some time. The relationship troubles of our age are different from the one's in our parent's time. Very few professionals (or lay people) understand this, so their advice doesn't change anything, and often makes things worse.
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